Being the brother or sister of an autistic child can bring lots of great moments, but it can also feel challenging at times. This guide shares simple, practical ways to support your sibling during difficult moments, while also reminding you that your own feelings, needs and wellbeing matter too.
If your brother or sister is autistic or has another neurodivergent condition, life can sometimes feel a little different in your family.
Your sibling might need extra support, find some things harder, react strongly to situations, or need lots of help from adults. Sometimes this can be confusing, frustrating, or even upsetting.
If you ever feel annoyed, worried, embarrassed, left out, or tired, that’s okay. Lots of siblings feel this way sometimes.
It’s also important to remember that you are important too.
You are not just a brother or sister. You are your own person, with your own strengths, interests, talents, dreams, and feelings. You deserve time, attention, fun, and support just as much as anyone else.
Looking after yourself isn’t selfish. It’s one of the most important things you can do.
What is Co-regulation?
Co-regulation is a simple idea.
It means helping each other stay calm when things feel difficult.
When someone is upset, angry, worried, or overwhelmed, they often find it hard to think clearly. A calm person can help another person feel calmer too.
You are not responsible for fixing your sibling’s problems, but there are some simple things you can do that can make life easier for both of you.
Helpful things you can say
If your sibling is upset, try using a calm, gentle voice.
You could say:
- “It’s okay. I’m here.”
- “Let’s take a deep breath together.”
- “Do you want some space?”
- “We can figure this out.”
- “Let’s go somewhere quieter.”
- “You’re safe.”
- “Would you like me to sit with you?”
- “You don’t have to talk right now.”
- “Let’s do one thing at a time.”
- “I’m going to stay calm and help.”
Sometimes saying very little can help too.
Things to avoid saying
When someone is overwhelmed, saying some things can make it harder. Try to avoid saying:
- “Calm down!”
- “Stop being silly.”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “Just get over it.”
Remember, what feels small to you might feel very big to your sibling.
Things to try…
Stay calm yourself
Take a slow breath.
If you stay calm, it can help your sibling feel calmer too.
Use a gentle voice
Speaking slowly and quietly often works better than speaking loudly.
Give space
Sometimes your sibling may need some time alone. That’s okay.
Keep things simple
Use short sentences and simple language.
Do something calming together
You could:
- Take a walk
- Listen to music
- Draw
- Build with Lego
- Read
- Sit quietly together
Ask for help
If things feel too difficult, find a parent, teacher, or another trusted adult.
You do not have to manage everything on your own.
Don’t forget about yourself
Being a sibling can be wonderful, but it can also be hard work sometimes.
Make sure you:
- Spend time doing things you enjoy
- Talk to someone when you’re worried
- Take breaks when you need them
- Celebrate your own successes
- Remember that your feelings matter
Remember
Your sibling is lucky to have you, but it is not your job to fix every problem or make everything better.
Just being kind, patient, and understanding can make a huge difference.
Most importantly, never forget this:
You matter. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter.
When you take care of yourself and use simple strategies to help you stay calm, you can create a calmer, happier environment for both you and your sibling. And sometimes, the most helpful thing you can say is simply:
“I’m here, and we’ll get through this together.”
Every family experiences neurodiversity in their own way, and every sibling’s experience is unique. If you’re a parent looking for guidance about autism, understanding your child’s needs, or exploring whether an assessment may be appropriate, our experienced multidisciplinary team can help. Learn more about our Private Autism Assessment service designed to provide a clear, supportive and neuroaffirmative assessment journey for children, young people and their families.